Miss you

There are infinite ways I can miss you, maybe the list is short but my reason is huge.

Or maybe I've got a trillion lists of tiny reasons but both are the same dull ache.

Perhaps I do have both.

My little list no longer makes sense, just like it simply no longer exists.

My longer list is not meaningless, it's all about him. I miss those things that he used to say. I miss the songs that he would play in his car. I miss the way he was excited about meeting me even after we met just a few days back. I miss how he loved me every time he looked at me. I miss his geekiness about movies and shows. He was a lost cause, but I miss him. I loved the way he chased passion. I miss the way he loved adventure and made our days a ride of a roller coaster. 

Mostly, though, I miss things that haven't happened yet. You can't actually miss them because you never knew your life with them in it, but you can't help but think about how great it would have been. I miss things like this on behalf of him too, because I know he never missed them for himself. 

I miss that he doesn't know me now. I have to write all this to get out of me, and not call him and rant about all this. 

I hope he knows I'm fine. 

I know he always knew that. 

I hope someday I'll be able to miss him happily. Maybe I'm going to smile and say one of his jokes, laughing through it and warmly miss him. I will miss him angrily too, whenever I think of how suddenly he left. How permanent things are now. 

He is no longer mine, but there are shards of him sprinkled everywhere in my life. What wouldn't I give to see him laugh and smile that way one more time? 

If we both weren't wrong, should I now blame the situation, timing, world, or the universe itself?

I am trying to forgive the world for everything it took away from me. Yet now that I realize that sort of loss that I have suffered is something that you never recover from.